Has it really been a month? I set out to write every day but my attention gets diverted elsewhere and I lose my train or thought. So much has happened in the past month I don't even know where to begin. We are on the up side of the roller coaster but it has been full of ups and downs and I am dizzy. Perhaps the best way to catch myself up a bit is to recap on each of the children.
Milagro--my goodness that child is growing too fast! She has gotten to an age (4 3/4) where not much gets past her. She is noticing that we treat the children differently and she "feels" differently about each one. Corazon is her role model (for better or for worse) and she continues to call her "twin". The 7 year difference in ages between them doesn't seem to phase her. It's gotten to the point that we find ourselves referring to each of them as "twin" in public. It's fun to see heads turn in confusion when we do that. She also is quite aware that her brothers are big-time special needs kids. She is confused by Pollito's meaness towards her and she adores him. He is her favorite playmate and it is almost impossible to tell that they are exactly 3 years apart in age. Developmentally they are in exactly the same place. She loves Tortuga unconditionally but she doesn't understand much of what he does or says. She has started referring to him as an "adult" probably because of his height (he has shot up!), his age, and his inability to deal with her appropriately. She also doesn't feel "safe" around him. He isn't mean to her but he is volatile. She has announced that she is ready to learn to read. She also announced she has no plans to attend kindergarten because she wants to homeschool like the rest of the kids. Her days are consumed by writing us love notes, playing Scooby Doo and My Little Pony games, and riding her bike, scooter and skateboard. She very much is showing her "big kid" colors and I am mourning the "baby" that I only catch rare glimpses of these days.
Pollito--He is having a hard time and he is impossible to read. He doesn't have RAD but shows signs of ODD on top of his learning and developmental delays. He is also blossoming. He has come into his own around drawing (great use of color, clearer images, ability to convey his ideas and feelings more easily) and reading (he has about 150 sight words which for him is HUGE. He has been a reluctant reader and daily repetitions/variations of lessons don't often stick. His interest in books and stories has always been high but in actually reading this has been almost non-existent. Emotionally he is also "waking up" if that makes any sense. We get better glimpses into some of his thoughts and feelings than we have ever had. He is also cycling through one of the worst negative behaviors EVER. It's as if he is acting out on every mean thing he has ever witnessed or experienced and usually Milagro is his victim. We recognize the behaviors he has learned from Corazon and Tortuga. He has taken to being rude and oppositional at every turn, disrespectful and just plain mean. Usually he is our "sensitive" child and we cannot pinpoint anything specific that may be going on with him.
Corazon--Her behavior has been OUTRAGEOUS. Much of it can probably still be attributed to puberty and hormones but she is cycling through some old behaviors that I am just tired of. We have had hellish times with her being mean to both her younger siblings, engaging in some pretty unsafe behaviors.Her impulse control is pretty much non-existent and her attitude is ever-present. She is lying and sneaking more and we have even seen more food-stealing behaviors. I had a massive temper tantrum one night before a dance competition because she decided to, once again, sneak reading instead of doing what she needed to do to be ready to get up at 5 a.m. It was the last straw in a string of annoying behaviors and I pretty much rearranged her room (removing all reading material) in the middle of the night. Not my best moment BUT her stress level went down right after that. Go figure. We have seen some wonderful moments that have brought me to tears as well. Her dancing is taking on more passion and emotion and her sense of self seems to be improving slightly. She has also started to notice things that she has been oblivious to in the past and I think she is confused by the feelings it brings up. She used to "not notice" when others were mean or rude to her so these things never seemed to phase her. Now she is seeing great success in her dance company performances but is encounter catty and obnoxious (and racist) behaviors on the part of a couple of the white girls in her company. Corazon is actually recognizing the unfairness of it all and it matters to her. As awful as the experiences are, the fact that she is being affected by them at all is wonderful. Despite all of this she has been AMAZING this past 4 or 5 days. We have had all kinds of projects around the house and she has been more helpful than I can even begin to describe. She is tapping and rubbing every single day, several times a day. It helps her but she still doesn't want to believe that it helps her so she refuses to do it some days. So I tap for her over and over and over again until she says "if I do my tapping myself will you stop PLLEEEEAAASSSSE?"
Tortuga--Probably deserves his own post. He was amazing for the month leading up to his birthday (usually an awful time for him) in almost every way. We could tell he was working hard at controlling his temper, his impulses, his meanness, his impatience and his jealousy. He was seeing success and liking the feeling. Then almost all of a sudden it just stopped. His verbal attacks on Corazon and Pollito returned with a vengeance and he started making "joking" threats against them. They were initially disguised as normal kid stuff -"I'm gonna bop you on the head if you ..." or "Want me to smack you?" We don't ever allow him to do this with them because, especially Pollito, who is his bio sibling, has dealt with enough of this from him to last a lifetime. It escalated over the next few weeks and eventually Tortuga was back to terrorizing Pollito whenever he thought we weren't listening and sometimes even if he knew we were. They share a room that has two dividers between them so that they don't have to mess with each other when they are in there together (usually just at night) but it clearly wasn't enough. C. had a serious talk with Tortuga about this behavior and it didn't seem to register. We had to go back to our old safety plans and we ended up doing yet another room rearrangement! I spent the better part of a week moving kids around so that for now the three younger kids share a room and Tortuga moved into Corazon's room (which was smaller) so he is by himself again. While that keeps Pollito safer, it doesn't help Tortuga self monitor. Pollito's safety was more important at this point. So far this setup is working but it has been less than two weeks.
Somewhere in all of that we have managed to do some fun family stuff. I am very tired these days. Very tired. So tired that we have postponed our annual summer departure East. Normally we head out by the end of the first week in June but at this point we are thinking it won't be until July. We are also thinking we might just fly Tortuga out so that the rest of the crew gets a break on the drive to MA.
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Musings about attachment
Sometimes I sit and look at my children and try to figure out where they are in their attachments.
Last weekend while playing basketball outside with some neighbors I overheard Tortuga and Corazon talking about loving me:
Tortuga: I really love my mom.
Corazon: Really? You don't show it.
Tortuga: I do love her and need her.
Corazon: For what?
Tortuga: Everything! Food. Clothes. Our house. Toys. Books. Homeschooling.
Corazon: Yes, but that isn't loving her. That's needing her to do things for you.
Tortuga: It's the same thing!
Corazon: No, it's not! Crying because she goes away and worrying that she might die because you miss her shows that you love her.
Tortuga: That's what I do! See! I do love her. (Pause) Corazon, YOU don't cry when she leaves or worry that she might have an accident and never come back. YOU don't love her.
Last weekend on our drive to her dance competition, Corazon asked me what "resent" felt like. After we sorted out that she meant "resentment" I tried to explain it to her then asked what she was thinking about. She said she resents the other kids and C. because she always wishes she had me all to herself. "Why?" I asked. She couldn't answer that except to say she doesn't mind sharing anything else but she minds sharing me. "Do you think I feel like that because I love you?" she asks. "Perhaps." I say. This is a child who is hyper vigilant about me. I feel like I am being stalked by her. If I am out of her sight for a few minutes she cannot function. I regularly find her waiting for me outside the bathroom. She stares at me when she thinks I am not looking at her. But she doesn't treat me particularly well when she doesn't have an "audience."
Pollito struggles to give and receive affection from us on our terms but is getting better. Recently he is obsessed with drawing pictures of us together. This is a new pattern for him. In the past 3 days he has given me 26 drawings of the two of us together and 8 drawings of sharks. What is he trying to tell me?
Then there is Milagro. She seems to have pretty strong attachments to all the important people in her life but sometimes I wonder about her being too attachment. Not to us but to things. She has a box full of "special rock-ies" and "Y" sticks. Heaven forbid we break or misplace one. On our evening walks she must greet several special rocks and plants around the neighborhood. Sometimes she talks to them. Currently she is "saving" the eyes, teeth and bow tie from her chocolate Easter bunny so she can "remember" it. And then there is the almost empty potato chip bag on her desk with a lone potato chip in it: "Chip-y."
Last weekend while playing basketball outside with some neighbors I overheard Tortuga and Corazon talking about loving me:
Tortuga: I really love my mom.
Corazon: Really? You don't show it.
Tortuga: I do love her and need her.
Corazon: For what?
Tortuga: Everything! Food. Clothes. Our house. Toys. Books. Homeschooling.
Corazon: Yes, but that isn't loving her. That's needing her to do things for you.
Tortuga: It's the same thing!
Corazon: No, it's not! Crying because she goes away and worrying that she might die because you miss her shows that you love her.
Tortuga: That's what I do! See! I do love her. (Pause) Corazon, YOU don't cry when she leaves or worry that she might have an accident and never come back. YOU don't love her.
Last weekend on our drive to her dance competition, Corazon asked me what "resent" felt like. After we sorted out that she meant "resentment" I tried to explain it to her then asked what she was thinking about. She said she resents the other kids and C. because she always wishes she had me all to herself. "Why?" I asked. She couldn't answer that except to say she doesn't mind sharing anything else but she minds sharing me. "Do you think I feel like that because I love you?" she asks. "Perhaps." I say. This is a child who is hyper vigilant about me. I feel like I am being stalked by her. If I am out of her sight for a few minutes she cannot function. I regularly find her waiting for me outside the bathroom. She stares at me when she thinks I am not looking at her. But she doesn't treat me particularly well when she doesn't have an "audience."
Pollito struggles to give and receive affection from us on our terms but is getting better. Recently he is obsessed with drawing pictures of us together. This is a new pattern for him. In the past 3 days he has given me 26 drawings of the two of us together and 8 drawings of sharks. What is he trying to tell me?
Then there is Milagro. She seems to have pretty strong attachments to all the important people in her life but sometimes I wonder about her being too attachment. Not to us but to things. She has a box full of "special rock-ies" and "Y" sticks. Heaven forbid we break or misplace one. On our evening walks she must greet several special rocks and plants around the neighborhood. Sometimes she talks to them. Currently she is "saving" the eyes, teeth and bow tie from her chocolate Easter bunny so she can "remember" it. And then there is the almost empty potato chip bag on her desk with a lone potato chip in it: "Chip-y."
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Time flies when you are...
Time flies when you are knee deep in regression. I can't believe it's been a month since I wrote here. So much and so little has happened. The days blur together as we deal with a whole lot of stick-poking nonsense. Nothing really major but too much minor and the constant resurfacing of issues. I know a part of it is the fear and anxiety the three older kids deal with when I go away.
I went to Orlando at the beginning of the month for the 3rd annual ETAAM gathering of women parenting kids with trauma. I am not ready to write about that experience because I am still savoring it. I did write about it last year (here) and this is some of what I felt then:
"I have just returned from Orlando where I had the most amazing time with almost 70 incredible and courageous women who live this life. Women who get it when we say our kids are different. Women who get it when we share parenting strategies that would get us banned from most "mothers' groups" and even our churches, schools, and parts of our extended families. Women who get it when we express our pain that the people closest to us--our mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, and even best friends-- think we are crazy and are causing our kids' troubles. Women who get it when we say that come hell or high water we are going to travel hundreds of miles to spend a weekend in houses with a bunch of "strangers" we met on the Internet because we NEED them. Women who rushed into the arms of said strangers in airports, driveways, villas, and exclaimed " I have been waiting for years to hug you!" and who cried at the thought of saying good-bye to these people they had only met 72 hours ago. Women who pinched pennies to make this trip possible, donated money on the internet to make it happen for another mama who was here, and put money in another woman's bra at dinner Sunday night so that someone else can have this kind of experience thousands of miles away this May! It was like coming home to a place where people don't need to know you, don't need to remember your name, don't need to hear all the details of your struggles and your pain, yet they can CRY your pain, SHARE your fears, FINISH your thoughts, LAUGH with you about your mistakes, TELL you you are a good mother when you have heard the opposite so many times you have started to believe it and CELEBRATE your victories with you. How often do we find solidarity like that with a bunch of strangers we would never be in the same room with if we didn't share this thing called trauma and the over-powering love we have for our kids who may not even know how to love us back? Amazing."
All of that was true this year (except there were 90 of us and the "money in the bra" thing didn't happen at dinner this year) but there was so much more this second time around. I am going to be a little selfish and keep it to myself for a while longer because sometimes when I close my eyes I can still feel myself there and it helps me remember that I am not alone and I have 90 inspiring and amazing women standing right there behind me. It helps a whole lot.
The reentry was harder. We didn't have any honeymooning with the older kids. All of them were super-needy and no amount of therapeutic parenting was helping for long. But I have been in such a good space that while I grow weary, we keep plugging along.
Tortuga and Corazon are able to talk about their anxiety and fear. Tortuga wrote in his school journal on the day before I left that he would be looking forward to "nights filled with dreams about mom dying and not coming back." While this is awful for him it speaks volumes for his growing attachment. How awful is it that I can be excited that he is afraid of me dying? Then again there have been so many times in our five year journey that he was wished me dead and graphically detailed the ways he would help that become a reality. Progress is such a strange thing...
I went to Orlando at the beginning of the month for the 3rd annual ETAAM gathering of women parenting kids with trauma. I am not ready to write about that experience because I am still savoring it. I did write about it last year (here) and this is some of what I felt then:
"I have just returned from Orlando where I had the most amazing time with almost 70 incredible and courageous women who live this life. Women who get it when we say our kids are different. Women who get it when we share parenting strategies that would get us banned from most "mothers' groups" and even our churches, schools, and parts of our extended families. Women who get it when we express our pain that the people closest to us--our mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, and even best friends-- think we are crazy and are causing our kids' troubles. Women who get it when we say that come hell or high water we are going to travel hundreds of miles to spend a weekend in houses with a bunch of "strangers" we met on the Internet because we NEED them. Women who rushed into the arms of said strangers in airports, driveways, villas, and exclaimed " I have been waiting for years to hug you!" and who cried at the thought of saying good-bye to these people they had only met 72 hours ago. Women who pinched pennies to make this trip possible, donated money on the internet to make it happen for another mama who was here, and put money in another woman's bra at dinner Sunday night so that someone else can have this kind of experience thousands of miles away this May! It was like coming home to a place where people don't need to know you, don't need to remember your name, don't need to hear all the details of your struggles and your pain, yet they can CRY your pain, SHARE your fears, FINISH your thoughts, LAUGH with you about your mistakes, TELL you you are a good mother when you have heard the opposite so many times you have started to believe it and CELEBRATE your victories with you. How often do we find solidarity like that with a bunch of strangers we would never be in the same room with if we didn't share this thing called trauma and the over-powering love we have for our kids who may not even know how to love us back? Amazing."
All of that was true this year (except there were 90 of us and the "money in the bra" thing didn't happen at dinner this year) but there was so much more this second time around. I am going to be a little selfish and keep it to myself for a while longer because sometimes when I close my eyes I can still feel myself there and it helps me remember that I am not alone and I have 90 inspiring and amazing women standing right there behind me. It helps a whole lot.
The reentry was harder. We didn't have any honeymooning with the older kids. All of them were super-needy and no amount of therapeutic parenting was helping for long. But I have been in such a good space that while I grow weary, we keep plugging along.
Tortuga and Corazon are able to talk about their anxiety and fear. Tortuga wrote in his school journal on the day before I left that he would be looking forward to "nights filled with dreams about mom dying and not coming back." While this is awful for him it speaks volumes for his growing attachment. How awful is it that I can be excited that he is afraid of me dying? Then again there have been so many times in our five year journey that he was wished me dead and graphically detailed the ways he would help that become a reality. Progress is such a strange thing...
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Tears
A couple of weeks ago we celebrated the 7th anniversary of the day Corazon moved into our home. Our celebrations are simple. She got to choose dinner and dessert and we celebrate as a family. For the first time we also had to celebrate on a different date because she had an important dance company rehearsal. I could tell she was conflicted about this and that it mattered to her that we couldn't celebrate that day but she also knew she had to go to dance and that was important to her. C. had found a wonderful necklace that came with 20+ magnets so she could change it to suit her mood. We set it up with the "peace" charm since she is all about peace signs these days. She was very excited about the necklace and put it on right away. A little later in the day I noticed she had changed the charm*.
Over the past 7 years I have cried so many tears for my daughter, Corazon. Tears of frustration. Tears of anger. Tears of fear. Tears because I felt like a failure or because I had no idea what else to try. Tears because every time she smiled I could see it was superficial and/or manipulative because there was no smile in her eyes. I have cried more tears than I can recall because for every step forward we seemed to take two or three steps back. There have also been so many tears for what she had endured in her first 4 years of life and for what she had missed out on. During particularly difficult moments I have cried tears because I felt I had nothing left to offer. Occasionally there have been tears of happiness and relief. Certainly there have been a few more of those in more recent years but overall I think there are still more "sad" and "frustrated" tears than anything else.
A few days after her anniversary she had an all day rehearsal followed by the actual performance. It was a long day that began at 6:30 a.m. and ended after 9 p.m. Her dress rehearsal was a grueling 5 hour affair and she had asked me to stay the whole time. I was honestly worried she wouldn't be able to hold it together and saw glimpses of impending disaster as the rehearsal continued. After a couple of hours off she had to return two hours before the performance. I walked her to the dressing room and could see her anxiety was mounting. She doesn't get very nervous about public performances but she is more aware about her challenges in staying focused. She asked me to stay backstage but I told her I was looking forward to seeing her on stage and I knew she could do whatever she set her mind to do. I was nervous but we have been working up to this for a long time and I hoped she could get through this. Her company's first number (they had 3 besides the opener and finale) was a lyrical dance to a song entitled "Born to Try." Even though she has practiced that dance dozens of times I hadn't paid much attention to the lyrics before but as she danced I listened closely as my daughter moved ever so gracefully to the words:
But I was born to try
All that you see is me
All I truly believe
All that you see is me
And all I truly believe
That I was born to try
I've learned to love
Be understanding
And believe in life
But you've got to make choices
Be wrong or right
Sometimes you've got to sacrifice the things you like
But I was born to try
She was absolutely beautiful and I could sense that she was putting her all into that dance. And she smiled. Not that performative smile but the smile that comes from being content and feeling good about something. And I cried as she danced.
The rest of the performance went very well and I met up with her in the dressing room and hugged her and told her she was phenomenal. She looked at me with tears in her eyes and asked "really, mom?" I repeated what I had said and she said she didn't know why she felt like crying but that when she was doing her lyrical dance she felt the words in her heart and she thought of me.
*what she changed it to...
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Payback ...
Context: C. and I went out last night with some wonderful friends. SIX hours of adult time and conversation! Babysitter said one kid best ever. Two kids were great. 4 year old did her own thing most of the night.
Today: Pee. Pee. Everywhere. Did I say everywhere?
Broken toys.
Rudeness. Stomping. Storming. Crying.
Therapeutic parenting NOT working.
One kid in bed for the rest of the day after 16 do-overs.
One kid attached to me for the rest of the day.
One kid processing big feelings by telling me how much recycling SUCKS!
Is it bedtime yet?
Today: Pee. Pee. Everywhere. Did I say everywhere?
Broken toys.
Rudeness. Stomping. Storming. Crying.
Therapeutic parenting NOT working.
One kid in bed for the rest of the day after 16 do-overs.
One kid attached to me for the rest of the day.
One kid processing big feelings by telling me how much recycling SUCKS!
Is it bedtime yet?
Sunday, January 22, 2012
"I had better toilet paper..."and other things overheard at our house...
Happy New Year! It's been challenging to find time to write since I was hit by the reorganization bug. I'm not one to make resolutions at the beginning of the year but I often feel compelled to do a thorough house cleaning once the holidays are safely behind us. This year the focus of said reorganization was our sunroom-playroom-my office. We have spent days painting old furniture, sorting books, magazines, toys, crafts, and switching kids' furniture from one room to another. We aren't done yet but I feel much better and the room functions better too.
Thus far, Tortuga has done remarkably well. We had a few big bumps and lots of small ones but nothing as major as the full fledged destruction of previous holidays. We aren't out of the woods yet since usually the greatest fallout is in January and February but it has been so much better. This weekend was his worst yet and we are seeing lots of regression to old behaviors. He suddenly has "forgotten" how to brush his teeth (he is using the bathroom soap instead of his toothpaste), use the toilet (seat stays down, pee everywhere, no cleanup) and shower (no soap or shampoo, water turned on but doesn't get on his body, bathroom missing, shower curtain drawn back so water spills all over the floor, etc. etc.) There seems to be no reason for any of this beyond "I forgot" which we know isn't the case. The only bad part is that all the kids share a bathroom so I am getting all kinds of reports about the state of their bathroom from Pollito who is my absolutely meticulous about grooming and hygiene and absolutely fastidious about cleanliness. He is appalled at the state of the bathroom so part of Tortuga's morning routine these days involves not using the bathroom until AFTER everyone else and cleaning the bathroom after he uses it. This will lead to a meltdown, destruction or change in behavior. We shall see.
Corazon is really struggling emotionally. I think a big part of this is hormones and she is having some pretty big feelings these days that usually manifest in rudeness and anger directed at me. One other thing that is happening for her is that she is having dreams about losing me and C. or the family being in danger. I think these speak to her growing attachment to us and the fact that she can remember and articulate these is progress. She is also allowing herself to REMEMBER. For the longest time she never had any memories of her life before us. In fact, when she first came to us and for the first couple of years pretty much every single thing she did with us would be prefaced by "I have never _______ before." and she would tell us how awesome we were for letting her have/do that thing. She would flash us that charming smile of hers and thank us for introducing her to whatever it was--swimming pool, ice cream, lollipops, park swings, hair barettes, etc.--as though it was the first time she had ever encountered it. It took us a while to realize that was part of her coping and even at 4 she understood that adults liked hearing this.
That was just the opposite of Tortuga. We never measured up to his standards. If I cooked something, his birth mother made it better. If we ate out at a new place, he'd been there with her. If he got a treat, she gave him more, bigger, better ones. When we went to a movie, play, park, event, he'd been there/done that/seen it with her and it was so much better. We understood it was part of his remaining connected to her and his desire to remember the good times with her because as bad as the neglect had been at times and despite having lived with her so rarely in those years before he came to us that attachment was there for him. We understood it and tried to honor it as best we could. It slso drove us crazy because it was constant and often led to rages after we did anything that could be deemed as fun or even just pleasant.
Last week during lunch the two older kids and I were talking about some of their early behaviors as we discussed the progress they had made over the years. Tortuga was asking why he had a tendency to remember things as "all bad" or "all good" and he wondered why other people would remember "only the good" since in his mind that was "a lie." We talked about resiliency and nostalgia and why both of those are important to many of us. I recounted for him the tendency he had to "sugar coat" some of early experiences as part of a coping strategy he employed often when he wanted to think about his mother (as opposed to all his foster homes being "all bad.") I reminded him how often he had told us how much better/bigger/faster/etc. things were with his mother's as opposed to us. He seemed to remember this and was even able to laugh at the absurdity of some of his comments. In the last year or so we have worked with him on his tendency to do the opposite of this which is to remember everything about her as "all bad." As we were wrapping up lunch, Pollito announced that they had no toilet tissue in their bathroom so Corazon went to get a replacement roll and handed it to Tortuga to take upstairs with him. Without missing a beat that boy turned to me, held up that roll, and said "I had better toilet paper at my birth mom's." Then he smiled. We laughed so hard, both at his delivery and ability to joke appropriately, but also at the progress he had made over the past 5 years.
Thus far, Tortuga has done remarkably well. We had a few big bumps and lots of small ones but nothing as major as the full fledged destruction of previous holidays. We aren't out of the woods yet since usually the greatest fallout is in January and February but it has been so much better. This weekend was his worst yet and we are seeing lots of regression to old behaviors. He suddenly has "forgotten" how to brush his teeth (he is using the bathroom soap instead of his toothpaste), use the toilet (seat stays down, pee everywhere, no cleanup) and shower (no soap or shampoo, water turned on but doesn't get on his body, bathroom missing, shower curtain drawn back so water spills all over the floor, etc. etc.) There seems to be no reason for any of this beyond "I forgot" which we know isn't the case. The only bad part is that all the kids share a bathroom so I am getting all kinds of reports about the state of their bathroom from Pollito who is my absolutely meticulous about grooming and hygiene and absolutely fastidious about cleanliness. He is appalled at the state of the bathroom so part of Tortuga's morning routine these days involves not using the bathroom until AFTER everyone else and cleaning the bathroom after he uses it. This will lead to a meltdown, destruction or change in behavior. We shall see.
Corazon is really struggling emotionally. I think a big part of this is hormones and she is having some pretty big feelings these days that usually manifest in rudeness and anger directed at me. One other thing that is happening for her is that she is having dreams about losing me and C. or the family being in danger. I think these speak to her growing attachment to us and the fact that she can remember and articulate these is progress. She is also allowing herself to REMEMBER. For the longest time she never had any memories of her life before us. In fact, when she first came to us and for the first couple of years pretty much every single thing she did with us would be prefaced by "I have never _______ before." and she would tell us how awesome we were for letting her have/do that thing. She would flash us that charming smile of hers and thank us for introducing her to whatever it was--swimming pool, ice cream, lollipops, park swings, hair barettes, etc.--as though it was the first time she had ever encountered it. It took us a while to realize that was part of her coping and even at 4 she understood that adults liked hearing this.
That was just the opposite of Tortuga. We never measured up to his standards. If I cooked something, his birth mother made it better. If we ate out at a new place, he'd been there with her. If he got a treat, she gave him more, bigger, better ones. When we went to a movie, play, park, event, he'd been there/done that/seen it with her and it was so much better. We understood it was part of his remaining connected to her and his desire to remember the good times with her because as bad as the neglect had been at times and despite having lived with her so rarely in those years before he came to us that attachment was there for him. We understood it and tried to honor it as best we could. It slso drove us crazy because it was constant and often led to rages after we did anything that could be deemed as fun or even just pleasant.
Last week during lunch the two older kids and I were talking about some of their early behaviors as we discussed the progress they had made over the years. Tortuga was asking why he had a tendency to remember things as "all bad" or "all good" and he wondered why other people would remember "only the good" since in his mind that was "a lie." We talked about resiliency and nostalgia and why both of those are important to many of us. I recounted for him the tendency he had to "sugar coat" some of early experiences as part of a coping strategy he employed often when he wanted to think about his mother (as opposed to all his foster homes being "all bad.") I reminded him how often he had told us how much better/bigger/faster/etc. things were with his mother's as opposed to us. He seemed to remember this and was even able to laugh at the absurdity of some of his comments. In the last year or so we have worked with him on his tendency to do the opposite of this which is to remember everything about her as "all bad." As we were wrapping up lunch, Pollito announced that they had no toilet tissue in their bathroom so Corazon went to get a replacement roll and handed it to Tortuga to take upstairs with him. Without missing a beat that boy turned to me, held up that roll, and said "I had better toilet paper at my birth mom's." Then he smiled. We laughed so hard, both at his delivery and ability to joke appropriately, but also at the progress he had made over the past 5 years.
Monday, December 26, 2011
Happy Holidays...
What a wonderful holiday! All of our children held it together throughout the festivities so we could truly enjoy our holiday. Yes, there were a few "issues" and need for redirection but NO tantrums, NO meltdowns, NO yelling, NO screaming and minimal bickering. A success, I would say. In fact, C. and I were able to hang out with the adults and watch a movie while the kids watched something else, all together in another room. Given the level of supervision they usually need, C. asked if that was ok. My sister piped in, "Don't worry they have my daughter in there. She is the biggest tattle-tale in the world so if they do anything wrong you'll hear about it right away!" :-)
(Pajama pictures posted just for you Lisa....)
Some wonderful moments from yesterday:
Tortuga's top gift request was a peace lily. Yes, a peace lily. This is my violent kid. Check out his Christmas list (sorry about the quality).
When we gave it to him he leapt over his siblings (nearly knocking them all down) and threw himself into my arms with tears in his eyes! He was so grateful and (over)excited and jumping and screaming so much that we almost had to send him to his room for a time-out but who does that? I can see myself explaining that my son had a meltdown because I sent him to his room for exuberantly thanking me for giving him a peace lily!
Pollito got exactly what he wanted--a refrigerator and appliances for their play kitchen, more play food, and a "dinosaur train." He got more candy and sweets than ever and they played, ate, and watched movies all day. Right before bed he said to me, "Mom, do you know what my favorite present is?" I asked him to tell me and he said "You and Mama!"
Corazon came in from the play room as the last of our family went home for the night and spontaneously started unloading the dishwasher and then re-loading it for the next round. Without being asked! Then she wiped down the counters, washed the pots in the sink and asked me if there was anything else she could do for me!
Milagro had one item on her Christmas list. A "whale rescue" toy complete with helicopter, boat, and all the supplies needed for rescuing injured toy orcas. She was so excited to play with it but overwhelmed by all the excited voices from the other kids that just after opening it and playing with it for a little while she announced that she was going into another room because she needed "quiet time." I went in to check on her and she was sitting on the floor so I asked her if she was alright. She nodded yes. I asked if she wanted me to hold her and she said she did. I put her in my lap and asked again if she was OK. She took my face in both her hands and said "Thank you mami for EVERYTHING! You are the best mom in the whole world!"
How can I ask for anything else Christmas Day? I am truly blessed with an amazing family!
Monday, December 5, 2011
Happy December...
December already! This is usually one of my favorite times of the year but I have started it with a really bad cold and a root canal that I cannot go back and complete until this cold is gone. One good thing we managed to do before I got sick was get our Christmas tree. I even put the lights on it during one of my more lucid moments with this cold. The kids are over to top with excitement about the upcoming holidays, making Christmas lists and gifts (this year all their family gifts have to be "made"), and getting immersed in our advent calendar tradition. We started this a few years ago and they just love it. Each day we pull a slip of paper from our calendar that tells us what we will do that day "eat dinner by candlelight and listen to Christmas music" or "do two good deeds "secretly" for the same member of your family." They just love doing this. Of course, this cold has sent me scrambling to change some of those slips of paper when it involves something a little more high maintenance than what I am up for.
Overall the kids are doing pretty well given the changes in routine and the visitors coming and going. Right now Corazon is the one having the hardest time or maybe I am having the hardest time with her. Most of her issues seem to be what others would classify as "normal preteen behaviors" but there is still enough "hint of RAD" to be truly annoying. Lots of drama, attitude, rudeness, and opposition. She starts pretty much every sentence with "no" and her tone of voice is obnoxious at best, mean at worst. This is particularly apparent in her interactions with her two younger siblings. It has been especially bad with Pollito so she is no longer allowed to say his name. She must call him and refer to him as "my wonderful little brother" and each time she fails to remember to do so she must either put a nickel in his piggy bank or give him one of her belongings. Since we started this a few days ago she has managed to only lose 20 cents and one bookmark. Her tone with me is even worse. So bad in fact that I have declared days when I am not speaking to her at all because I refuse to use her tone back with her and no matter how much I have tried to diffuse the attitude or tone by ignoring it, calmly discussing it, or joking about it she hasn't been able to snap out of it. She absolutely hates for me to not speak to her so that seems to help at times but her behavior is nowhere near under control and more importantly it is driving me nuts because I just don't want to be around her much (and neither does anyone else.)
I think she is also struggling because she is having many more "normal" days and when she actually realizes this it seems to terrify her and she quickly has to dive back into her RAD behaviors. That said, it is a bit comical because her "heart" isn't really into it anymore. The other day I sent her to tap because she was behaving in a totally disregulated way. She went outside and I could hear her trying to work herself up. Then all of a sudden she stopped and her whole demeanor changed and she did her tapping. When she came back inside she said "Mom, I noticed something when I went to tap."
I asked her what it was and she said "I didn't want to tap and I was really mad and I was stomping my feel and just standing there and then I thought about that sign you put up in the window (long story) and I said to myself 'What ARE YOU DOING? This is so DUMB. You are just wasting energy and missing out on stuff when you know tapping will help you." I asked her what happened next and she said she just did her tapping and everything was better. Imagine that! She said this with such an incredulous look on her face I almost laughed (but I didn't. At least not until she was out of earshot.)
On another note, I am so grateful to Lindsay Mama to Nine for suggesting the journal idea for Tortuga. He is really into writing and has taken that idea to heart. Since I gave him the journal he has written a couple of entries to his birth mom and he is so happy to have that outlet. I don't know if that will be the case for long but for now it seems to be helping.
Overall the kids are doing pretty well given the changes in routine and the visitors coming and going. Right now Corazon is the one having the hardest time or maybe I am having the hardest time with her. Most of her issues seem to be what others would classify as "normal preteen behaviors" but there is still enough "hint of RAD" to be truly annoying. Lots of drama, attitude, rudeness, and opposition. She starts pretty much every sentence with "no" and her tone of voice is obnoxious at best, mean at worst. This is particularly apparent in her interactions with her two younger siblings. It has been especially bad with Pollito so she is no longer allowed to say his name. She must call him and refer to him as "my wonderful little brother" and each time she fails to remember to do so she must either put a nickel in his piggy bank or give him one of her belongings. Since we started this a few days ago she has managed to only lose 20 cents and one bookmark. Her tone with me is even worse. So bad in fact that I have declared days when I am not speaking to her at all because I refuse to use her tone back with her and no matter how much I have tried to diffuse the attitude or tone by ignoring it, calmly discussing it, or joking about it she hasn't been able to snap out of it. She absolutely hates for me to not speak to her so that seems to help at times but her behavior is nowhere near under control and more importantly it is driving me nuts because I just don't want to be around her much (and neither does anyone else.)
I think she is also struggling because she is having many more "normal" days and when she actually realizes this it seems to terrify her and she quickly has to dive back into her RAD behaviors. That said, it is a bit comical because her "heart" isn't really into it anymore. The other day I sent her to tap because she was behaving in a totally disregulated way. She went outside and I could hear her trying to work herself up. Then all of a sudden she stopped and her whole demeanor changed and she did her tapping. When she came back inside she said "Mom, I noticed something when I went to tap."
I asked her what it was and she said "I didn't want to tap and I was really mad and I was stomping my feel and just standing there and then I thought about that sign you put up in the window (long story) and I said to myself 'What ARE YOU DOING? This is so DUMB. You are just wasting energy and missing out on stuff when you know tapping will help you." I asked her what happened next and she said she just did her tapping and everything was better. Imagine that! She said this with such an incredulous look on her face I almost laughed (but I didn't. At least not until she was out of earshot.)
On another note, I am so grateful to Lindsay Mama to Nine for suggesting the journal idea for Tortuga. He is really into writing and has taken that idea to heart. Since I gave him the journal he has written a couple of entries to his birth mom and he is so happy to have that outlet. I don't know if that will be the case for long but for now it seems to be helping.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Where did November go?
Every month I have these wonderful intentions to write more so that I can reflect back on what is happening before I forget. Clearly I didn't get to write much this month. It has been busy and hectic and mostly really good. We had a wonderful Thanksgiving weekend. My mom and my brother and niece came to town as did C.'s parents so we celebrated the weekend with everyone here. It has been 20 years since I spent a Thanksgiving with all my siblings and my mom so that was pretty special. Generally speaking we get along well so being together was easy and comfortable and our children got along well despite their age ranges (4-16.) My 16 year old niece was wonderful with Milagro and Milagro found a new "best cousin" in her. The weekend was spent eating too much turkey, hanging out, watching football, playing board games and spending time with good friends. Even my mom seemed to mellow out a little more with all of her children together in one place. Of course we took advantage of having company to try out new places around here and we discovered a pretty awesome barbecue place that we went to on our last night together this year.
I am still in awe of how awesome my children are. Milagro is growing by leaps and bounds. About a month and a half ago she decided she really needed to learn to write her name. She is 4 years, 2 months old and doesn't go to any type of school so we haven't pushed her to do much in terms of academics. Within a week she was not only writing her full name but had pinned down the names of her siblings (with a little assistance) and a few important phrases "I love you" and "Please don't leave." She writes all the time (for fun) and she asks to spell everything. She is also thriving in her new one day a week morning program. She gets to be around kids her age, dance, play and do art activities that she enjoys. Plus she is in love with her teacher. Last night as we reminded her she needed to get to sleep so she could get up in time for class she said "Oh yeah, I love Ms. M. I really care about her!" And that she does.
Pollito continues to make progress in his reading and math. Until a few weeks ago he could not recognize or write his numbers past 15. All of a sudden something has clicked and he is regularly recognizing, counting and writing his numbers to 100. He is also making connections between numbers in one setting and those in another. Until recently this was something that totally escaped him. He could see the number 22 on the calendar and write it but then when asked to write the number a few minutes later he acted like he had never heard of the number 22. He also seems to be making strides in sounding out words. It is still very difficult for him but it is getting better. He still loves books, stories and going to the library and I am optimistic that he will get where he needs to in the near future.
Corazon held it together pretty well all weekend and was an AWESOME helper as we readied the house for guest. She helped set up her room for her grandparents since we had both mine and C.'s parents staying with us and she gladly moved into Milagro's room for the week. She even helped with much of the Thanksgiving meal prep which she usually cannot do because her excitement and anxiety make it impossible to count on her to be truly helpful. Except for a few small bumps she was absolutely wonderful.
Tortuga did well also. This was our best Thanksgiving yet with him. He took to heart our "thankful tree" activities all month and wrote some heartfelt gratitudes. I had originally planned on throwing the tree away once we done but they are so attached to it I think I will bring it out next year so they have a chance to reflect on what they wrote about this past year.
Tortuga is clearly struggling but more importantly he is working hard to keep it together and not get mad when we redirect him or ask him to use his tools and strategies for calming down. He still struggled with transitions from family time to alone time but all in all he did really well.
I am still in awe of how awesome my children are. Milagro is growing by leaps and bounds. About a month and a half ago she decided she really needed to learn to write her name. She is 4 years, 2 months old and doesn't go to any type of school so we haven't pushed her to do much in terms of academics. Within a week she was not only writing her full name but had pinned down the names of her siblings (with a little assistance) and a few important phrases "I love you" and "Please don't leave." She writes all the time (for fun) and she asks to spell everything. She is also thriving in her new one day a week morning program. She gets to be around kids her age, dance, play and do art activities that she enjoys. Plus she is in love with her teacher. Last night as we reminded her she needed to get to sleep so she could get up in time for class she said "Oh yeah, I love Ms. M. I really care about her!" And that she does.
Pollito continues to make progress in his reading and math. Until a few weeks ago he could not recognize or write his numbers past 15. All of a sudden something has clicked and he is regularly recognizing, counting and writing his numbers to 100. He is also making connections between numbers in one setting and those in another. Until recently this was something that totally escaped him. He could see the number 22 on the calendar and write it but then when asked to write the number a few minutes later he acted like he had never heard of the number 22. He also seems to be making strides in sounding out words. It is still very difficult for him but it is getting better. He still loves books, stories and going to the library and I am optimistic that he will get where he needs to in the near future.
Corazon held it together pretty well all weekend and was an AWESOME helper as we readied the house for guest. She helped set up her room for her grandparents since we had both mine and C.'s parents staying with us and she gladly moved into Milagro's room for the week. She even helped with much of the Thanksgiving meal prep which she usually cannot do because her excitement and anxiety make it impossible to count on her to be truly helpful. Except for a few small bumps she was absolutely wonderful.
Tortuga did well also. This was our best Thanksgiving yet with him. He took to heart our "thankful tree" activities all month and wrote some heartfelt gratitudes. I had originally planned on throwing the tree away once we done but they are so attached to it I think I will bring it out next year so they have a chance to reflect on what they wrote about this past year.
Tortuga is clearly struggling but more importantly he is working hard to keep it together and not get mad when we redirect him or ask him to use his tools and strategies for calming down. He still struggled with transitions from family time to alone time but all in all he did really well.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
What to do...
Tortuga has had a mixed week. Two days of really dysregulated behavior that involved him spending a good deal of time away from us because he just couldn't hold it together. I think it is a combination of more sugar, more "fun times" (Halloween and a block party), and the beginning of his "traumaversary" time (which will go through February). I think there is something else going on that I just don't know how to deal with yet.
We have a decent relationship with his birth mother. By "decent" I mean that we get along very well, we communicate well, we are open about why the boys don't live with her, and I think she trusts us. That said we don't hear from her regularly and her contact information changes often. When we schedule meetings with her she will often not show up without letting us know. She has multiple challenges that complicate her life and her desire to see the boys and we try to respect that. This summer we tried and tried to see her and she wasn't available and then her phone was disconnected. We told Tortuga that we were trying to see her and he was adamant that he did NOT want to see her. This is a regular part of his process. He misses her, thinks about her, wants to see her, doesn't want to see her, and when we do see her he is anxious to not be there. When we didn't get to see her he seemed relieved and expressed this relief in both verbal and behavioral ways.
Once we returned from MA he asked if I had spoken to her and I mentioned that I still couldn't reach her. He said he didn't want to know if I talked to her unless it was "bad" news. I explained that he could choose to hear or not to hear and I would respect that BUT he couldn't be selective about what he heard because it left too much room for the imagination. We have had episodes of "you didn't tell me you talked to her" when in fact we always tell him. (She does not always wish to speak with him or his brother but she always sends her regards.) I reminded him that he could choose to hear or not to hear. He chose to hear if we spoke to her and he wasn't sure if he did or didn't want to talk with her. I noted we would cross that bridge when the call came. In the meantime I have tried to find out what is going on. A friend has tried all her last known addresses and I have her former social worker trying to track down whether she has received any services that might allow us to get a message to her. I am concerned about her and hope she is well but I also know this is a typical pattern so I am trying not to be overly worried.
In the meantime, Tortuga is thinking about her and I know it. He will not admit that he is thinking about her which is fine. What isn't fine is that he has a tendency to tell himself "stories" in his head when something is on his mind and reality and fiction blur quickly for him. So this has resulted in his accusations to me that I am keeping him from talking to her and/or withholding information about her because it is "not good." I know this is his fear. I have tried to create room for him to express this and once in a while he does. Right now though, he is just lashing out at us and we have to "talk him down" from that place where he believes the fiction in his head rather than the reality. Any ideas?
We have a decent relationship with his birth mother. By "decent" I mean that we get along very well, we communicate well, we are open about why the boys don't live with her, and I think she trusts us. That said we don't hear from her regularly and her contact information changes often. When we schedule meetings with her she will often not show up without letting us know. She has multiple challenges that complicate her life and her desire to see the boys and we try to respect that. This summer we tried and tried to see her and she wasn't available and then her phone was disconnected. We told Tortuga that we were trying to see her and he was adamant that he did NOT want to see her. This is a regular part of his process. He misses her, thinks about her, wants to see her, doesn't want to see her, and when we do see her he is anxious to not be there. When we didn't get to see her he seemed relieved and expressed this relief in both verbal and behavioral ways.
Once we returned from MA he asked if I had spoken to her and I mentioned that I still couldn't reach her. He said he didn't want to know if I talked to her unless it was "bad" news. I explained that he could choose to hear or not to hear and I would respect that BUT he couldn't be selective about what he heard because it left too much room for the imagination. We have had episodes of "you didn't tell me you talked to her" when in fact we always tell him. (She does not always wish to speak with him or his brother but she always sends her regards.) I reminded him that he could choose to hear or not to hear. He chose to hear if we spoke to her and he wasn't sure if he did or didn't want to talk with her. I noted we would cross that bridge when the call came. In the meantime I have tried to find out what is going on. A friend has tried all her last known addresses and I have her former social worker trying to track down whether she has received any services that might allow us to get a message to her. I am concerned about her and hope she is well but I also know this is a typical pattern so I am trying not to be overly worried.
In the meantime, Tortuga is thinking about her and I know it. He will not admit that he is thinking about her which is fine. What isn't fine is that he has a tendency to tell himself "stories" in his head when something is on his mind and reality and fiction blur quickly for him. So this has resulted in his accusations to me that I am keeping him from talking to her and/or withholding information about her because it is "not good." I know this is his fear. I have tried to create room for him to express this and once in a while he does. Right now though, he is just lashing out at us and we have to "talk him down" from that place where he believes the fiction in his head rather than the reality. Any ideas?
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